* Start talking.  It may not be easy to tackle the touchy subjects of aging and sickness by long-distance telephone. But whether you talk on the phone or in person, it's vital that you understand what your parent wants and needs, and how you can help.

* Establish a communications network.  Next time you visit, meet the people in your parent's life-friends, neighbors, clergy, doctors, and financial advisor- and exchange phone numbers.  Make sure that you and your parent's most-trusted friend have keys to the house.

* Ease monthly bookkeeping.  You can help arrange to have utility and housing bills automatically debited from your parent's checking account or sign up for programs that notify you if payments are missed.  Call 800-772-1213 to set up direct deposit of social security benefits.

* Take Inventory.  Both you and your parent should know what assets exist.  Learn where to find the paperwork and brokerage accounts, investments and pensions, as well as legal documents such as titles and wills. Talk about what assets can be tapped to pay for assisted-living or nursinghome care (i.e- home equity or cash-value life insurance).

* Assess Insurance Coverage.  Neither medicare nor medigap policies pay more than a fraction of the cost of assisted-living facilities or extensive nursing-home care.  Some long-term-care policies pay for both, but buying coverage gets more expensive as your parent ages.

        Your parent may become eligible for medicaid, but to qualify, most assets must be depleted or transferred at least 60 months before entering a nursing home.  Each state has its own rules regarding income and asset limits.  Call 8O0-638-6833 for referral to the state office you need.

        For a free booklet explaining how much medicare will pay for doctors, hospitals and other providers, call 800-772-1213.

* Prepare for a crisis.  Be sure your parent has a durable power of attorney, which gives someone she chooses the authority to handle her financial affairs. (She may prefer a so-called springing durable power of attorneys, which would take effect only if she became incapacitated.)

        A durable power of attomey for health care (or health care proxy), naming someone to make medical decisions on her behalf, and a living will, spelling out her wishes regardin g life support, also help protect your parent.  She should also have a current will.

* Check out your own rights.  Find out what benefits your employer offers.  Companies with 50 or more employees must provide 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993.  You also might be entitled to free elder-care consultation and referral services, which can help you arrange for help from afar.

        Consider the tax benefit of claiming your parent as a dependent if you are providing more than half of her support and her income is less than the allowable personal exemption.  You may be able to deduct medical expenses you paid for your parent, even if you can't claim her as a dependent.  For details, call 800-829-3676 and order IRS Publication 502, Medical and Dental Expenses.

        If your parent lives with you and you have a flexible spending account at work, you may be able to pay her medical or home-care bills with pretax dollars.  Talk to your benefits officer for more informtion.