Grief and loss is painful enough without the compounding feelings of confusion, frustration and anger that can arise from financial disarray, said Ellen Rinaldi, head of retirement services at the Vanguard Group, the Valley Forge, Pa.-based mutual fund firm.

        "You're trying to avoid those impulsive mistakes that can occur within a short time after a death," Rinaldi said. "A surviving spouse might sell their home and be sorry about that, or decide to go into an investment and find out they didn't need to."

        "Organization," she said, "buys a surviving spouse some time, takes away a level of stress at a time when grief is greatest, and allows them to get on their feet with no unnecessary dilution of assets through additional attorney fees, probate and estate taxes."

        Getting both spouses up to speed on their finances may seem like an overwhelming task, but the sooner couples address the issue the better. "The first step is the hardest," Rinaldi said. "But it's the most important because you want to have these conversations before a crisis."

        Money and mortality are two highly charged topics, even for the healthiest marriages. Often, couples neatly avoid these sobering facts of life. They create a collusive "don't ask; don't tell" policy about finances, where the uninformed spouse is assured a comfortable lifestyle while their significant other retains power over investment and spending decisions.

        Even two-income households will treat money management as a solo practice, with husbands often handling the checks and account balances.

        "With women, there is still a lag," said Victoria Collins, a financial planner at The Keller Group in Irvine, Calif., who also has a doctorate in psychology. "That's because of the way society has set up the messages. Socialization, from parents, husbands -- 'you don't need to worry about this; someone will take care of you' -- perpetuates a lack of understanding."

        Younger married women have more experience in the workplace than their mothers and grandmothers did, and are more likely to have a say over the family budget. Yet women still aren't asserting themselves in investment decisions, said Kathleen Gurney, a psychologist and chief executive of Financial Psychology Corp., a Sarasota, Fla. advisory firm. "Demographics are playing a role today, but we are still seeing women downplaying their skills and not taking the control that they are capable of taking," Gurney noted in an e-mail.

Communication is Key

        What do we talk about when we talk about money -- and how? One strategy is to create distance from your own life. Vanguard's Rinaldi suggested that tragic world events -- the deadly Gulf Coast hurricanes, for example -- could lead to productive discussions about your own family's preparation for similarly unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances.

        Couples would do well to think of themselves as "Family Inc.," said Keller Group's Collins. Hold a regular financial summit to review household net worth and cash flow, she advised, and copy important financial and estate-related information into a "contingency notebook" stored in a fireproof safe at home and with a trusted attorney, accountant or financial adviser.

        This comprehensive checklist should contain investment-account and bank-account numbers, the location and recent value of those accounts, funeral arrangements and last wishes, and the names and telephone numbers of financial and legal advisers.

        Estate experts also suggest other items for safekeeping: your will, life-insurance policies, pension information, Social Security cards, marriage license, birth certificates, military records and driver's licenses.

Planning Does Pay Off.

        "In households today, wealth and responsibility is a shared thing to start with," said Sanford Schlesinger, a New York estate attorney. "I've had spouses sitting in my office and one has one idea of what to do, another has a different idea, and they have serious arguments. But they've got to talk about it. Very often they'll be surprised; they're more in agreement than they thought."